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All your own efforts and gumption, your prayers and advice-seeking, your reading and research—you've tried it all, and still your struggle persists. You've reached it: the point at which you know you need help. You need a counselor. Maybe a loved one has died suddenly. Or maybe you and your spouse can't communicate without hurtful words. Or perhaps memories and pain from the past seem to be seeping into your everyday life. Maybe your teenager won't listen to a word you say. Or maybe you can't stop binge eating. You've tried many avenues of help—books, advice from friends, asking for prayer—but you're still stuck. You're so stuck that you realize it's time to take the plunge into counseling. But where do you go from here? How do you find the right person to help you? After all, this is your life we're talking about! You need more guidance than just a quick Google search. Here is the truth about counseling: the only tool that really matters is the counselor himself or herself. All the counseling training and experience in the world actually mean nothing if the counselor is someone who lacks wisdom and maturity. The fact that a social worker or psychologist is on the list of your insurance company as an "approved provider" also means next to nothing. And, unfortunately, the label "Christian counseling" may not mean much either. Choosing a counselor is a very important decision. The wrong advice, even from a well-meaning professional, can result in tremendous harm and damaged relationships. So where do you start? What should you really look for in a counselor? 7 Traits of a Wise Counselor Proverbs is essentially a book about how to live wisely, and it's a great place to begin your journey of selecting a counselor you can trust. Let's take a look at some of Solomon's advice for finding wise counsel. 1. A wise counselor fears the Lord People often ask, "Is it okay to see a counselor who is not a Christian?" It may seem impossible to find a Christian who is covered by your insurance or who lives within a 60-mile radius. This also may be an issue if you are seeking a very specific type of counselor. (For example, your son has Asperger's syndrome and you want to find him a counselor with that specialty.) You may use an accountant or a cardiologist who is not a Christian and it doesn't make a huge difference in the advice given. However, counseling usually involves moral and spiritual decisions. A person's worldview concerning right and wrong, the meaning of life, and so on, will inevitably find its way to the counseling room. Proverbs tells us, "Fear of the Lord is the foundation of wisdom" (9:10). Fearing God means acknowledging that he is the One who defines right and wrong—that we ultimately will bow before a God who is greater than we are. Whether or not a counselor is a Christian, it is imperative that he or she respects your desire to honor the Lord. If you are seeking counseling on an issue that clearly involves moral or spiritual elements (such as sexual abuse recovery, marital struggles, suicidal thoughts, sexual identity issues, and so on), your counselor should be a mature Christian, equipped to give you wisdom that represents the truth and love of Christ. It is worth driving the extra 30 minutes and paying the "out of network" fee! 2. A wise counselor has a good name Proverbs reminds us that "A good name is more desirable than great riches" (22:1, NIV). If someone asks me how to find a good counselor, my advice is typically to ask around. Ask your pastor, ask your friends, and ask your doctor, gathering recommendations from people you trust. Counselors develop a reputation based both within their professional field and the Christian community. If you hear the same name recommended two or three times by people you trust, that's a big plus. 3. A wise counselor is willing to "wound" you While they provide affirmation and encouragement, at some point, wise counselors will speak hard truths. "Wounds from a sincere friend are better than kisses from an enemy," Proverbs 27:6 tells us. A counselor is more than a glorified buddy; he or she ought to be someone who actually counsels. After several visits with a counselor, there should be some uncomfortable conversations, such as questions that make you squirm, perspectives that challenge you to see your contribution to a problem, or "homework assignments" that ask you to step out of your comfort zone. There are some bobblehead counselors who are happy to give you a weekly dose of affirmation for the rest of your life. If you want someone to always agree with you, save your money and just get a dog! 4. A wise counselor encourages a team Proverbs 15:22 says that "Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success." Does this mean that you should be seeing two or three psychologists at a time? Of course not. However, you should always have a team of counselors and advisers. Your family physician can help with hives, but probably knows little about a brain tumor. Your pastor can help you with spiritual questions, but probably isn't equipped to help with an eating disorder. Wise counselors know their limits. They will encourage you to depend upon a multitude of advisers. They won't try to be your mentor, friend, spiritual director, financial guru, parenting expert, and nutritionist. A counselor who nurtures dependence or gives the air of a know-it-all is a big red flag! 5. A wise counselor's words are life-giving "The tongue has the power of life and death," Proverbs reminds us (18:21, NIV). Further, "the words of the wise bring healing" (12:18) and "encourage many" (10:21). Can you discern life-giving words? They aren't necessarily fluffy, happy statements. In fact, sometimes the truth hurts. Whether the occasion calls for encouragement or a rebuke, a wise counselor promotes life. Ask yourself the question, "Is this counsel building life and vitality into my marriage, my friendships, and my relationship with God?" 6. A wise counselor does his or her homework "Take a lesson from the ant, you lazybones," Proverbs 6:6 urges us. "Learn from their ways and be wise!" You may be wondering what studying ants has to do with getting good advice. Solomon was encouraging all of us to study creation and to learn principles for wise living. Similarly, a counselor or psychologist has chosen the profession of studying how we live and interact in order to pass on wise advice. Being a spiritual person and a good listener is no excuse for ignorance. The person you trust for advice should always be a student, dedicated to learning about how to more effectively minister to those seeking counsel. 7. A wise counselor knows the limits of human wisdom "My daughter died of cancer a few months ago. She was only 8 years old." How ought a wise counselor respond to such a devastating statement? There are no explanations or rationalizations about why God would allow such tragedies to happen. Sometimes the wisest counselor will just be silent and cry with a person in such deep pain. Many things in this life that are beyond our understanding. Proverbs 20:24 (NIV) observes, "A person's steps are directed by the LORD. How can anyone understand their own way?" While we grapple with the whys, true wisdom always knows its limits. God can comfort the broken-hearted without always explaining himself. As a clinical psychologist, I cannot heal the wounded. I cannot restore a broken marriage. I cannot make sense of tragedy. But I can compassionately lead someone to the true Counselor who can do all of this and more. What About You? So, what about once you've gleaned Solomon's advice and have picked a wise counselor? Does that guarantee that you will come out better on the other end? Not necessarily. While I have listed seven criteria for wise counselors, I will only give one for a wise student (or client): A wise student is open to reproof. Proverbs 15:31–32 reminds us, "If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding." The number one reason why counseling can be a waste of time and money is that the person seeking counsel doesn't want to do the hard work. He or she is hoping that someone with a bunch of fancy degrees on the wall will waive a magic wand and make the pain go away. The person is hoping for the inspired advice that will undo years of fighting and foolish decisions. Yet, as with much of life, you will get out of counseling as much as you are willing to put into it. Great counseling will require something more than your checkbook. It will require you to be courageous in facing pain, steadfast in choosing wisely, and humble in seeing your need for God's truth and grace.

I grew up in a family of six kids, all very close in age. My position as “number five” out of six is probably a huge part of why I became a psychologist. My earliest pictures are often of me in a playpen observing family life. As teenagers, my sisters and I became good friends. We stopped fighting and began to really appreciate one another. My father one day said to us, “When you girls get along and look out for each other, it helps me understand how God feels when His people love each other.” “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1). I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s always been a challenge for God’s people to live together in unity. Perhaps this is why the Bible highlights the importance of how we treat one another. God really cares about how we love. The night before He was crucified, Jesus prayed for His disciples. His prayer is recorded for us in John 17. What’s really cool is that Jesus prays for His future disciples – that’s us! The one thing He emphasized in His prayer is that we would be united in Him as He is with the Father. Earlier in His ministry, Jesus said something to His disciples that is absolutely profound. The proof of a person’s status as a Jesus follower would be found in how we love one another (see John 13:35). True unity is impossible without the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. In our own flesh, we will never love each other well. Those who led the early church (Paul, Peter, John and others) understood two things about Christian unity. They acknowledged that we would have differences and that we should diligently work to treat one another with love in the midst of those differences. In recent days, I’ve witnessed Christians genuinely striving to do what they believe is the right thing, the wrong way. No matter the cause, Satan always wins when Christians attempt to solve problems in their own wisdom and strength. We become self-righteous, defensive, accusing, judgmental and divisive. This can happen in a larger context (church/ministries) but also in family relationships. Fortunately, the Bible is very clear in teaching us how to avoid this snare. Unfortunately, we rarely put these well-known teachings into practice. We sometimes point to Matthew 18 as the “go-to passage” of how to resolve conflict in a Christian manner. In this passage, Jesus instructs us to go directly to someone who offends us. If that doesn’t work, we take one or two witnesses and then bring the matter before the Christian body. While this is an invaluable passage of instruction, seldom do we apply it while also keeping with the further instruction of Philippians 2: 1-11, James 1:19-20, Colossians 3:8-17, Ephesians 4, Galatians 5:13-6:1-5, II Timothy 2:22-26 and others passages like it. Within these letters, the early church leaders were clear in telling us not only to stand on what we believe to be true, but also to do so in a manner that honors Jesus as Lord. The passages I cited above are somewhat repetitive, which makes it convenient for us to summarize and apply. Here are five questions I am learning to ask myself when I am in the midst of conflict: Will I humble myself?  I always think I’m right. I think I’m the one with the answers and the insight no one else has. I believe that conflicts and problems result because of what someone else says or does. This is human sinful nature. God tells us to resist this natural tendency and to humble ourselves before Him and people. Humility means admitting that my view of the world is flawed and that I very likely contributed to a problem as much as the other person. Humility says, “I’m sorry.” Humility seeks and accepts feedback even when it hurts. Am I understanding?  One of Stephen Covey’s seven habits of highly effective people is to “seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Covey didn’t invent this principle, but expounded upon age-old wisdom that is found in the Scriptures. James wrote, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.” In conflict, rarely do we determine to truly listen and understand the other party’s perspective. God has given us different personalities, experiences, strengths and weaknesses. Through understanding, we become unified and our differences reflect the complexity of God’s amazing character. Am I kind?  When is the last time your heard a sermon on kindness? Yet, I cannot think of a more important word to describe how God wants His children to treat one another. In my work in Christian ministry, I’m sad to say that I rarely see kindness. We can disagree and be kind. We can work for positive change, yet be the kindest people on the planet. Yes, there are times to draw boundaries and to confront, yet Paul urges us to do so with gentleness and in the spirit of love. Am I patient?  When we resolve to be kind and understanding, typically that resolution comes with an expiration date. We give our spouse three days to apologize or the other party in a dispute a week to get their act together. Once we’ve given kindness a chance to work, we shift into attack mode. Patience means that there is no expiration date on our love for each other. It means giving God time to work and to move and recognizing that true change rarely happens quickly. While God is working on the other person, His slow timetable usually means that He is also working on me, exposing my pride and desire to control the outcome. Do I seek unity? It grieves my heart that the Christian church and family are often places of dissension, slander, resentment and anger. I can’t imagine how deeply it grieves God’s heart. Jesus said that we would be known by our love for one another, not first and foremost by our written creeds and spoken convictions. Absolutely there are times to take a stand for truth within the Christian body. Yet we must also recognize that our enemy will use any opportunity (even a righteous cause) to prompt us to “bite and devour one another.” As Paul wrote, “And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.  And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.” Remember that a righteous cause doesn’t give us an excuse to treat one another poorly. It’s not enough to stand for what the Bible teaches. We must also do so in a spirit with which we honor Christ our Lord.

Whenever I write a blog on a controversial sexual issue, I typically hear from people who remind me that God says not to judge other people. Whether I’m teaching about pornography, Fifty Shades of Grey, living together outside of marriage, divorce or homosexuality, some people simply write off what I’ve said because they think I’m being judgmental. The “who are you to judge?” question has curtailed countless conversations (and even relationships). In fact, some pastors are nervous about teaching on sexuality because they don’t want the label “judgmental.” Over the past few months, I’ve taken time to study what the Bible actually says about judging. I have learned a few things that help me discern when to stay silent and when it may be time to “speak the truth in love.” Although this isn’t an exhaustive study (what blog could ever be exhaustive?), it may help you to sort through what the Bible says about how we should engage in conversations that involve moral and ethical choices. Here are seven things to keep in mind: 1) Speaking the truth is not the same as judging. I think this is perhaps the most important distinction to understand. If we interpret “do not judge” passages as keeping us from ever talking about God’s standards of right and wrong, we have a Christian church that would never confront greed, theft, selfishness, heresy, or even the sin of being judgmental. One of the primary purposes of the body of Christ is to proclaim His love and His truth to one another, so that we may be set apart as the “salt of the earth” and the “light of the world.” Talking about God’s moral standards is not judgmental. Let’s look at an example we can all relate to. Let’s say your friend is driving you to the airport. She is going 85 in a 60 mph zone. If you were to say to her, “Just want to be sure you know that the speed limit is 60,” that may cause an awkward silence, but it would be perfectly understandable. That’s different than saying, “Um, you know you’re going 25 over the speed limit, don’t you? You’re speeding. You deserve a big fat ticket.” Can you see the difference between the two? We should continually hold up God’s truth as a standard of living. The importance of teaching God’s Word is emphasized throughout both the Old and New Testament. Moses encouraged the nation of Israel to remember the Law of God, impressing it upon the hearts of our children, talking about it every day, in our homes and on the road (Duet. 6). Paul encouraged the Christian church and pastors to “teach God’s Word in season and out of season” (2 Timothy 4:2), to keep the pattern of “sound teaching, with faith and love in Christ (2 Timothy 1:13) and for each of us to be transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2). The writer of Hebrews says that the constant use of God’s Word will help us to discern right and wrong (Hebrews 5:14). For you or me to say, “I believe the Bible teaches that a homosexual lifestyle is sinful” is very different than telling your gay neighbor, “You’re a sinner and you’re going to hell.” Teaching a moral standard from God’s Word is not the same as taking the liberty to judge people with that standard. Their choice to ignore or abide by God’s Word is between them and God. 2) We should not judge each other’s choices of “conscience” or personal opinions. There are some things in the Christian life which are unclear (grey areas). This is the context of Romans 14 where Paul wrote, “Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” Here, Paul is answering disputes the early church has on topics like whether one day is more sacred than another day and dietary restrictions. Paul says that these are not issues of morality (clearly defined guidelines for holy living) but are issues of conscience. We are to respect each other’s consciences in these grey areas. Issues like these for Christians today might include what you wear to church, whether or not you drink alcohol, and whether or not you use social media. The famous Olympian Eric Liddell was convicted that he would be sinning if he competed on a Sunday. Does this mean that every Christian NFL player is sinning in his job? No. This is an issue of conviction and conscience, not clearly an issue of morality in God’s Word. Related to sexuality, I may have a conviction about a grey area. For example, it may be my conviction that a couple shouldn’t kiss until they get engaged. I should never hold anyone else to my conviction or opinion. Some of the “no judging” passages relates to these types of situations. 3) We should never judge a person’s motives. “Now it is required of those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that doesn’t make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore, judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in the darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts” (I Corinthians 4:2-5). While we can see a person’s behavior, we can never understand their motivations. Jeremiah 17:10 says, “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind…” We are not in position to ever comment on someone’s heart before God. I may disagree strongly with someone’s sexual choices or their teaching on sexuality. While I may comment on points of disagreement, I am never in the position to pass judgement on that individual. 4) We cannot make an eternal judgement about anyone. Jesus said, “Judge not and you will not be judged. Do not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.” Jesus is teaching that none of us is above our brothers and sisters. We are all equal, needing grace and forgiveness. God is the judge that can both condemn our souls to hell and forgive us of our sins, granting us eternal life. Putting yourself in the place of judging someone else’s actions or salvation will result in a stricter judgement for you here on earth and before God. Someone else’s soul before God is none of my business and mine is none of theirs. 5) We should confront brothers in the spirit of love and humility. Proverbs reminds us that the wounds of a friend are faithful and can be trusted. In fact, the wise person seeks a rebuke from a friend and looks for people who can bring loving correction. Our friendship and love for a person earns the position to speak truth to them. We must also remember that confronting a friend sometimes means that they will confront right back for your lack of empathy or perhaps for your part in a disagreement. Are you humble enough to receive feedback? If not, you are not ready to confront. We should never confront anyone with an arrogant, self-righteous attitude. “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while there is still a beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5). Jesus taught that we will judged by the same standard we judge others. This means that we should be careful in examining our own hearts and failures when tempted to “cast a stone” towards anyone else. 6) We should soberly remind each other of God’s judgement. “See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:12-13). Part of our responsibility as loving each other is to remind each other of God’s holiness and coming judgement. While I won’t judge my brother or sister, I am a good friend to speak often of God’s discipline in my life and the truth that we will each stand before God one day. The author of Hebrews wrote, “The Lord will judge His people. It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Hebrews 10:30). Paul encouraged the Christians in Philippi, “Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling…” (Philippians 2:12). 7) Christian leadership should apply discipline for those who wander from biblical teaching and behavior. In the Western church, we don’t talk much about church discipline. It is usually pastors who are scrutinized by the congregation rather than leaders shepherding their flock. God has set up a “balance of power” in His Word. Teachers are accountable to elders (I Timothy 3:1-7), people are accountable to their spiritual leaders (I Timothy 5:17-25) and all are accountable to God (Ephesians 1:22). Christian leaders are charged with the task of taking care of those in their spiritual care; this includes discipline. Just as I lovingly discipline my children when their behavior is inappropriate or immoral, spiritual “parents” should gently discipline their “children” according to God’s standards of holy living. We see Paul’s instruction on how to do this in I Corinthians 5:1-13 when he challenged the church to confront a specific sexual sin. Here is one more thought to consider. How we walk out these principles will differ depending upon if we are interacting with people who claim to be Christ followers and those who don’t. Paul specifically writes about this in I Corinthians 5:12. “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?” We shouldn’t be surprised when people who don’t know Jesus don’t live by His teaching, and we certainly are not going to draw people to salvation by judging their lifestyles. When interacting with unbelievers, we are to show kindness, mercy and grace, sharing with them the hope Jesus has given us (I Peter 3:15). The passages in Scripture that encourage us to “speak truth in love” refer primarily to how we confront sin among the body of Christ. While I have just shared a lot of Bible verses with you, this is a very practical question that requires discernment in how we react to issues like homosexuality and cohabitation that have become hotly debated among Christians. Understanding biblical teaching on judgement also helps us know how to respond to greed, gossip, dishonesty, betrayal, and every other moral issue we face. God is very clear that He is the Judge. He knows the heart and motives of every person. Only He fully understands good and evil. Even at the heart of the choice to forgive someone who has hurt us, we are challenged to leave judgement to God. Each of us will experience awkward moments of wondering how to respond to a friend or loved one who defends or embraces behavior the Bible calls sinful. We are familiar with how we remind each other of truth in many arenas of life. This should not be a mystery or stumbling block related to how Christians talk about sexuality.

The recent Nashville statement has brought conservative Christianity’s relationship with sexual issues front and center into the mainstream media. USA Today describes the Nashville statement this way, “A coalition of conservative evangelical leaders laid out their beliefs on human sexuality, including opposition to same-sex marriage and fluid gender identity, in a new doctrinal statement.” If you are familiar with the ministry Authentic Intimacy, you know how deeply I care about sexual theology and God's truth. I've spent the past five years teaching and defending a biblical view of sexuality. Cultural trends have caused vast confusion around homosexuality, gender, and other sexual issues, and we need to be clear on God's design for sex. But I am also concerned that the message of the Gospel isn’t lost in our dialogue about sex.  Our commitment to unity must be as clear as our theology of sexuality. It’s just as important that you know how to respond when you meet a Christian who disagrees with you as it is for you to know where you stand on LGBT issues. After all, Jesus said that we would be known “by our love for one another,” not necessarily by our theology of human sexuality. Research indicates that whether or not you believe that God condones same-sex marriage may have more to do with your generation than it does your commitment to Jesus Christ. We can’t simply write off everyone who has a different view of sexuality as “not one of us.”  Unity within the body of Christ is very important to God. Jesus over and over again emphasized this point. But here’s the catch. Jesus didn’t just want us to be united with each other, but to be united in Him. A “Christian” isn’t just someone who claims the label, but one who embraces the Savior. This means that we can’t ignore theology and how people live for the sake of getting along. Hence the tension to integrate two essential truths: we are called to be united with our spiritual brothers and sisters, yet we are also called to stand on the truth of God's word. So, how should we respond when other Christians have such different views on important sexual topics? How can we possibly work together and be unified if we can’t agree on God’s design for sexuality?   What’s the real issue? AW Tozer wrote, “The question before us, and the question that really matters, is simply what do you think of Christ? And what are you going to do with Christ? Every question we might ever have can be boiled down to the subject of Jesus Christ.” Tozer’s wisdom also applies to conversations about sexuality. Before we ever talk about gay marriage or sexual ethics, we have to talk about the more important foundational issues of what we believe about God, the Bible, and human nature. Our lack of Christian unity through the sexual revolution may actually have very little to do with the sexual questions of our time.  Differing views on gay marriage, cohabitation, pornography, and gender aren’t primarily what divide us. These are just the external issues that have exposed the confusion of what we believe about God and His Word. Do we believe the Bible is authoritative, divinely inspired, and relevant without cultural revision? Do we believe that human nature is at heart rebellious and damned without God’s intervention? And what do we really believe about Jesus? Do we believe He was a nice teacher who made people feel good, or that He is the Son of God, deserving of our worship? If we disagree on the answers to these questions, we have far greater problems than addressing issues like pornography and homosexuality. Our confusion about sexuality is rooted in our confusion about God. As we interact with fellow Christians, let’s start by affirming these foundational truths that have for too long been neglected in our seeker-friendly churches. We can know how to be united in Christ when we agree to study and apply the Bible. The challenge is that we can’t just study and apply what the Bible says about sex. We must also study and apply what the Bible teaches about love and Christian unity. Are we applying passages like, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32)? Are we pursing unity through humility as Paul taught in Philippians 2? As he wrote to Timothy, are we patient, kind and gently instructing those who disagree with us even as we teach the truth "in and out of season?" Seek to understand. We know from history that sincere men and women of God have sharply disagreed on many interpretations and applications of the Bible. I have met with many Christians who have a sincere faith and belief in God’s Word but who are confident that God would be ok with same-sex committed relationships. We can't simply walk away from each other because my brother celebrates something that I believe the Scripture teaches is sin. How do we pursue truth together? The first thing I want to do in this situation is to understand that person’s perspective. I might ask, “Why is this important to you?” or “Tell me about how you came to that conclusion?” Sometimes this leads to a theological discussion, but most often there is a personal reason. The person has a good friend or relative who is same-sex attracted and can’t reconcile God not approving of a loving sexual relationship. Or there is a story of Christian bigotry and hatred towards the LGBT community. By listening and learning, I have earned the right to share my convictions about God's design for sexuality and why it is so central to Christian doctrine.  I’ve learned that even if I don't agree with a fellow Christian’s theology of marriage and sexuality, I may have something to learn about the struggle of translating God’s love into their world. For generations, the Christian church has upheld a God-honoring theology of marriage, but has often failed to demonstrate God’s love and grace to hurting people. Christians have also been rightly accused of applying a biblical teaching about sex only to some sins (homosexuality, premarital sex) while ignoring others (pornography, seeing women as sex objects, using sex selfishly in marriage). How much of the current sexual revolution is a backlash against the Christian dogmatism, hypocrisy, and judgement against those in sexual sin and brokenness?  We have as much to learn as we do to teach. If we cut off the conversation at the point of disagreement, we have no room to challenge each other according to the Scripture, pursuing Christian unity. I’m not suggesting that we solve these important issues through compromise, but that we strive together to know the mind and heart of Christ. Dialogue does not mean compromise. Of the seven things listed that God hates in Proverbs 6, none of them are sexually oriented but included in the list are arrogance and causing division among God’s people (verses 6-19). When we stand before God one day, we will not only be accountable for how we held to His truth, but also for how we extended His love to one another. We need each other. Not just those in our own denominations and demographics, we need the body of Christ. We need to know why the twenty-somethings see the LGBT movement as a civil rights issue. We need to hear from the older sages who can teach us church history and reflections of wisdom from many years of following Jesus. We need to embrace fellow Christians who have very different experiences and who read the Bible through a different lens. While the Bible and God's design for sexuality haven't changed, our culture is continually shifting, presenting new information and challenges in how we articulate a biblical perspective of sexuality. As Paul wrote, "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." None of us, including me, has this one hundred percent figured out. I’m constantly learning from people who have different experiences and viewpoints. Their input doesn’t make me change my view of biblical sexuality, but helps me refine how I live it out with sensitivity and conviction. Even though we are one, unity among Christians will never just happen. We have to work at it, value it, pray for it, and pursue it. Christians are to be different from the world not simply in our theology but also in how we treat one another. As disturbing as the vast theological divides around sexuality is the vitriol, arrogance, and name-calling among Christians. What if God uses us to reach the world not only because we get the theology right but also because we are able to humble ourselves and be gracious to people with whom we may sharply disagree? What if the world marvels not at our brilliant explanations but at our unexplainable ability to pursue truth across denominations and generations?     Follow Up Resources from Dr. Juli Slattery: Blog: Why I Care About Your Sex Life Podcast: We Are All Sexually Broken Podcast: God Created You To Be Sexual

For the past few years, I’ve been using this term “sexual discipleship™” to describe the passion behind the ministry Authentic Intimacy. I’ve noticed that when people hear me put those two words together, they are intrigued. Although you may have been discipled in your walk with Christ at some point, chances are, that discipleship never permeated questions about your sexuality. (Presione aquí para leer en español). I grew up in the church with loving, caring parents. They did their job having “the talk” with me and sporadically offered dating advice. My youth group and Christian school had days and even weeks with a focus on purity, dating, and sexuality, but they addressed these topics tenuously. The teachers seemed nervous, measuring their words, and the kids just felt awkward. As I've grown into adulthood, the same strategy seems to have been implemented regarding sexuality—a class or book occasionally offered to teach about sex in marriage; the church’s general approach toward sexuality is to offer pockets of sex education. Let’s compare that approach to how culture tackles the topic of sexuality. It is everywhere! In every media outlet imaginable, we are confronted with an aggressive message of how to think about marriage, sexual activity, dating, and sexual identity. Even godly, committed Christians are far more likely to think like the world on sexual issues because they have been trained to do so. The church has offered sex education while the culture is sexually discipling us, forming our opinions and worldview on everything sexual. What Is Discipleship? We often throw words like discipleship around without taking the time to consider what they actually mean. A discipleship approach is very different from an educational model. The essence of discipleship is expressed through Moses’ charge to the Israelites as they prepared to enter the decadent culture of the Promised Land: Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. (Deuteronomy 6:4–9, NIV) There are three critical elements in Moses’ teaching to parents that still apply thousands of years later: A clear understanding of what is right, what is wrong, and the lordship of God in our lives A daily integrating of that teaching into everyday life A modeling of what it looks like to walk according to God’s commands If we want to know what sexual discipleship™ looks like, we can just take a look at the world. Honestly, they are modeling it masterfully! The world's system has its own great commission. They are doing a fantastic job of converting us into disciples of their worldview and sexual agenda. Much of the media, news outlets, and educational leaders are aggressive about passing on their sexual values to children and adults. You are shunned and ridiculed if you express an opinion that differs from these values. Looking at the outlets representing the world’s system, do you see a clear doctrine or vision of what they believe about sexuality? From what you observe through entertainment media, news outlets, the government, and educational system, is the messaging about sexuality from the world consistent? You bet it is! From preschoolers to senior citizens, the world’s sexual mantra is loud and clear. Turn on the news. Browse through random magazines. Flip through satellite television channels, surf the Internet, walk around on a college campus, and you will see very consistent messaging. In fact, our children are barraged by the world’s sexual doctrine everywhere they turn. Tweet: Our culture doesn’t just preach sexual immorality, it readily and effectively models it. @DrJuliSlattery It is conceivable that your children may never see what it looks like to live with sexual virtue and purity. However, they will inevitably be exposed to hundreds—perhaps thousands—of examples of what sexual immorality looks like. Sexual discipleship™ is a lot more than a “talk” or retreat teaching about sexual purity. It means walking with people through the journey of sexuality through all the stages of life and addressing questions that arise from life experience and cultural pressures. Sexual discipleship™ goes beyond sex education. Biblical sexual discipleship paints a complete picture of sexuality as not simply something to avoid but a great gift to be treasured, celebrated, and reclaimed. What Must Change Parents often ask me how and when to talk to their children about sex. Before we ever talk to our kids about sex, we need to be sure that our own sexual worldview is grounded in truth. The vast majority of Christians have very little idea of how to integrate their sexuality with who they are as children of God. Those who are single don’t understand why God would give them sexual desires without an outlet of sexual expression. Those who are married don’t know how to tackle problems like no sexual desire or a spouse who looks at porn. We don’t know what to do with traumatic experiences of sexual abuse or how to get out from under the shame of past sexual sin. Why do sexually related topics cause us to feel nervous and awkward? The expression of sex is sacred and private. It should be held in honor and handled with wisdom. However, this does not mean that purity equates to silence. After all, the Bible does not shy away from addressing sexual themes throughout the Old and New Testaments. Some biblical teaching is so specific (particularly the Song of Solomon) that modern translators have “toned down” the interpretation to make it more acceptable for today’s readers. At Authentic Intimacy, we want to invite men and women into a conversation that promotes sexual discipleship™. What would happen if Christian parents and the Christian community were committed to defining, teaching, and modeling a godly sexual worldview? What if several times a day, we were given positive messages and examples of God’s beautiful design? Through our blog posts, podcasts, speaking events, social media, books, and website, we hope to be part of a movement to see these changes happen.

As you watch a flood of #MeToo tags come through your social media feed, what is your reaction? Maybe you feel sick to your stomach, need some time to let the grief wash over you, or experience a rush of anger. Me too. How does something that is so hidden and pervasive finally come to light after decades of colluding in silence? I celebrate that women (and men) who have been told to be quiet can finally speak their pain out loud.  My hope and prayer is that #MeToo doesn’t end with the boldness to speak of what has happened to us. But that in time we also begin to use a similar hashtag representing that we have been healed and redeemed. Coming into the light is just the first step of God’s work in our lives. The tidal wave of sexual exploitation in our world will not subside until we recognize sexuality as a great spiritual battlefield. It is sadly ironic that some of the same people decrying sexual abuse are leaders in Hollywood who create countless films that objectify women and present sexual pleasure as a commodity traded as freely as baseball cards. This cavalier and humanistic attitude toward sexuality, pornography, and the “hook up” culture are clearly propagating the tragedy highlighted with the hashtag #metoo. What to do with Humpty Dumpty The nursery rhyme is familiar to us. Humpty-Dumpty sat on the wall Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall All of the king’s horses and all the king’s men Couldn’t put Humpty together again How many women and men have I met who feel exactly this way as a result of the sexual exploitation they have experienced? Below the veneer of self-confidence and independence lie shattered pieces of purity, identity, innocence and trust. Even an army of psychiatrists and counselors (all the king’s men) fail to erase the shame, the memories, the anger, and the brokenness. Many survivors spend a lifetime trying to escape the dark messages written on the soul during brief moments of violation. As you're reading all of the #MeToo stories online, or even sharing your own, can you relate?  A Surprising Healer As a Christian psychologist, I am thankful for recent advances in our understanding of the impact of trauma on the brain. Counseling and medical intervention can help, but they can never heal. It is why I am passionate about exalting the ONE, who came to bring healing to all of those who have been oppressed, victimized, and abused. At the beginning of His public ministry, Jesus quoted a prophecy from Isaiah: The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, Because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, To proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, To comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, And a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair, They will be called oaks of righteousness, A planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. Isaiah 61:1-3 Pointing to this ancient passage, Jesus declared this as the purpose of His Incarnation. He came to bring a great exchange: exchanging ashes for beauty, mourning with gladness, and despair with praise. Beside this passage in the margin of my Bible I have written, “This is your call on my life. July 2011.” This was the passage the Lord gave me while on my knees, before knowing that I would start a ministry to women (and later, men). This is why Jesus came to the earth and also why He prompted me and Linda Dillow to found Authentic Intimacy. While posting of your experience with sexual abuse is bold and purposeful, if it stops there it offers no hope. We want to tell you clearly, you are not alone and there is hope. Jesus is the God who sees your pain, who hears your cries in the night, the God of all comfort, and the One who can bind up your broken heart. He can release you from the prison of your sin and the darkness of your shame. Celebrities online, women of Hollywood, Christian leaders, and all of our dear friends, He has “been there.” Why did the God of the universe suffer abuse, ridicule, and torture at the hands human beings? So that He would be the “man of sorrows, acquainted with our grief,” identifying with us in our deepest pain. One of the names of God is “Jehovah Rapha” which means “the Lord who heals you.” Unfortunately, many Christians do not acknowledge God as the Healer of our sexual brokenness. The unspoken lie we believe is that sexuality is beyond God’s ability to heal, to redeem, and to restore. God has been gracious to bring many men and women across my path whose lives declare that God is the Healer of all brokenness, including within our sexuality. The book Surprised by the Healer gives an intimate portrait of nine real women who suffered abuse, betrayal, shame, and sexual pain but have discovered profound healing through the Lord Jesus Christ. If the hashtag #MeToo grieves you, don't stop there. It's time to be Surprised by the Healer. Follow Up Podcast Episodes from Dr. Juli Slattery*: #138- My Long Journey of Healing from Childhood Abuse #154- Healing Doesn't Happen Overnight #169- Your Wounded Heart   *Accessing these may require a membership to Authentic Intimacy.